Which of the two men should I choose

Which of the two men should I choose?

I am dating two men. After being married for 25 years, I'm ready to date for a while and see what's out there. I like them both very much. But only one with whom I have unbelievable chemistry. He is both good-looking and rich, and turns me on. He likes me a lot, too. The other is the nicest man I have ever met. He would do anything for me, and we would have a great time together. I can't continue like this, and I feel that I must make a choice. I can't decide. My heart wants one, and my head says the other. How can I make this decision? I don't want to hurt either one. But I feel I am being deceitful by dating both. Please tell me how to choose

What an excellent problem to have

What an excellent problem to have — two men who each seem like a good choice for you. From what you write, these two men sound like pretty equally weighted choices. But I wonder if picking between the two is the problem.

You say that you want to date for a while and see what's out there — maybe you are not ready to pick one person yet, and that is part of your hesitation. There's no reason why you can't date casually, one at a time, and avoid the pressure of needing to make a choice.

How long have you been seeing these two? Do they know about each other? If you have been honest with both, then they are aware that you are dating someone else. Sometimes that's okay, but often a man or woman will not want to feel in competition for affection and will press for exclusivity.

You are not ready to make a choice.

There's no reason why you can't date casually, one at a time, and avoid the pressure of needing to make a choice. If they are aware of each other and are not pressuring you for exclusivity, then I suspect they are not seeking more than what they have with you now: a fun, no-pressure, casual relationship. So why pick? You could end up with neither by weighing the one now-exclusive relationship with more pressure than it can bear.

If they are unaware of each other because you have not been honest, that also says something about your readiness for an exclusive relationship. You have been married before, so I am sure that you appreciate the role of honesty and trust in a long-term relationship. Withholding information that another might use to decide between continuing to see you is as deceitful as a direct and intentional lie. If you are honest with them both now, they may end up doing the picking for you, and again, you may end up with neither.

However, if I had to pick between a rich guy who turns me on and the nicest man I'd ever met, with whom I have a great time, I'd like the nicest man. Chemistry and wealth can easily fade or even disappear. Nice tends to last. The fact that you are having trouble deciding between these two also suggests that you aren't ready to make a choice.

Congratulations!

You've hit the dating jackpot. Two beautiful men are vying for your valuable time and attention, which is supposed to feel good. Yet it's causing you inner conflict and anguish, which means your dilemma isn't which man you should choose. It's why you think you must choose at all.

For a minute, let's get out of your head and your heart. You can take a trip to your favorite shoe store to see what's out there. You have hundreds of choices. You say yes to some and no to others. Indeed, you don't feel responsible for the fate of the shoes you leave behind. Nor do you feel guilty if you take home multiple pairs. Unless, of course, you think you don't deserve them.

You deserve both of them.

Whether it's shoes or men, I'm here to tell you that you deserve them. Both of them. There is no shame in pleasing yourself. My favorite saying isn't ladies first. It's ladies twice. Indeed, no man can please you the same way. That's why we celebrate our choices instead of berating ourselves for having them. While feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place is as unpleasant as chewing glass, the good news is that we are never limited. Except to the extent we think we are.

I want to invite you to consider a third option. One that will blow your skirt up. Let the men in your life know that there are other men in your life. Consider dating even more men. Remember, dating is dating. You're seeing what's out there. Which means you have permission to see multiple men.

First off

First off, kudos to you for getting out there after being out of the dating loop for 25 years. It's to your credit that you've been bold enough to find two men you get along with so well.

I have a few questions to ask you.

I have a few questions to ask you. Have you discussed with either of them how open you are with them in your relationships? Are either of them dating other women? If both are still at the casual stage, you don't need to pick one; however, it's time to discuss and clarify with each man what you're looking for.

Explore other venues

Of course, after one relationship ends, you want to explore yourself and the dating possibilities out there. Now that you have, you need to ask yourself what kind of relationship you want — not just now, at 48, but as you look toward your future. Are you content with a fun, hot fling that may go no further than that? Do you want to get married again? You don't have to map out a five-year plan, or even a five-month one, but asking yourself what you want out of a relationship may help you pick the right man as well as be upfront with each of them about just how much (or how little) you're ready to commit.

Spark versus Kindness

You should not automatically discount either man. The first sounds like the kind where sparks are flying left and right, but what will he be like in a crisis? Can you rely on him to meet your emotional needs as well? As for the nice guy, he sounds like someone who'd never break your heart, but will he make it pound like crazy? I don't think you should have to pit emotional vs. sexual chemistry against one another; when the relationship is right, you should have both. That being said, you haven't known either man long enough to see if he can give you everything you want.

Be honest with yourself.

You haven't done anything wrong, so there's no need to worry about it. I'd like you to speak with each of them separately (you don't need to mention that you've been dating someone else at this point, unless asked directly) and determine their stance on how exclusive they want to be. If one or both of them is madly in love with you and would be heartbroken to learn of another man, you will need to end one of the relationships and be as straightforward as you can. Their answers will surprise you and give you further insight into who the man is for you. I wish you happiness, whoever you choose.

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