Family estrangement is more common than we may assume
The cliché of the holiday season is moving portraits of families celebrating in harmony with one another. Well, even unharmonious images are common, if not the stuff of comedy, but the general trend is showing families all together this time of year. That’s not a reality for a lot of people, where estrangement from their family is the reality of their daily lives.
New research, as highlighted recently, reveals a much more persistent and common thread of parents, children, and siblings who willingly distance themselves from each other, disproving the adage that blood is thicker than water.
In highlighting three particular common myths about estrangement, a more precise understanding seems to be emerging that when adult relatives willingly sever contact with each other because of a longstanding negative relationship, it is neither unique nor easily reparable, contrary to common myths about family.
Among the more common misconceptions are the ideas that family estrangements often happen suddenly, are usually for clear reasons, and are rare. Instead, there aren’t necessarily clear reasons behind children deciding never to speak to their parents, such as issues like abuse, betrayal, and bad parenting. Ruptures that seem abrupt for ridiculous reasons often have long-standing threads of misunderstandings or behavior behind them.
Statistically speaking, a recent British study found that 8 percent of respondents reported that a family member was “cut off” in some form or another. As important as family is believed — and proved — to be to humans psychologically and emotionally, it’s clear that breaking ties with a family member is hardly a trivial matter, or a rare one. The more studies and conversations that happen around the topic, perhaps the less of a stigma there can be. Eventually, there may be more tools to figure out ways to more easily heal wounds, dispel feelings of shame and humiliation around estrangement, and find ways to live healthy lives.
However, we found out from these issues that the winning formula for a happy family isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection, balance, and intention. Here’s a simple yet powerful breakdown:
Strong Partnership
- Mutual respect and love: Parents or partners support and respect each other openly.
- Unified front: Especially in parenting, decisions are made together.
- Quality time: Regular couple time maintains the bond at the family’s core.
Open Communication
- Talk and listen: Everyone, from kids to parents, feels heard and valued.
- Emotionally safe space: Family members can express feelings without fear of judgment.
- Regular check-ins: Short talks at dinner, bedtime, or weekends to stay connected.
Clear Values and Boundaries
- Shared values: Honesty, kindness, effort—whatever matters most is clear to all.
- Consistent boundaries: Kids thrive when expectations are clear and fairly enforced.
- Accountability: Mistakes are handled with love, but responsibility is expected.
Fun & Togetherness
- Traditions: Weekly pizza nights, holiday rituals, bedtime stories—these build joy and unity.
- Play and laughter: From board games to silly jokes, shared joy is bonding.
- Celebrate wins: Big or small—recognize efforts, birthdays, and growth.
Flexibility and Grace
- Adaptability: Life changes—happy families adjust rather than resist.
- Forgiveness: Disagreements happen. Forgiveness and moving on are key.
- Realistic expectations: Perfection isn’t the goal—connection is.
Teamwork and Responsibility
- Everyone contributes: Chores, decisions, support—it’s a shared load.
- Encourage independence: Kids take pride in helping and learning responsibility.
- Support each other’s growth: School, work, hobbies—back each other up.
