6. Signs that you are living with a manipulator.
Achieving what one desires by any means, imposing specific actions or ways of thinking, even close people are capable of this, not necessarily out of malicious intent. But in any case, it is not worth going along with manipulators.
How to recognize a manipulator
Very often, manipulative behavior is a defensive reaction that helps cope with a complex or competitive environment. Most often, this reaction occurs when a person is unable to influence the situation in any other way — they lack power and control, for example. Pathological manipulation can also be a result of upbringing. In the family, chronic manipulative behavior often arises in conditions of fierce competition, when everyone is fighting for power, influence, resources, and advantages. The manipulator, feeling deprived or craving more power, resorts to tricks and evasions.
They manipulate to get what they want.
Over time, such behavior can become habitual and unconscious, with inevitable destructive consequences. How can you recognize that someone is trying to use you? Manipulators are cunning and skillfully disguise their ways of getting what they want. Here are some of them: Olga Romaniv, relationship psychologist, family psychologist, and building families. Not showing genuine emotions. Not revealing what a person feels is a subtle and sneaky form of deception. Pretending to have genuine friendship while plotting behind someone's back, or acting as if everything is great when, in reality, one partner has accumulated many grievances. This is quite typical behavior, partly because we do not realize how harmful it is to genuine, sincere relationships. If a person only shows you their friendliness while withholding negativity, you may develop a false sense that there is a strong bond between you. But this is not always true—attempts to uncover the most intimate.
It is normal for a particular stage of any relationship, from friendships to romantic ones. But you should be on guard — the manipulator will know you so well that they can easily get what they want from you. Knowing your weak points, they will gain the opportunity to make you even more vulnerable and bring you to a state where you can no longer fight back. In the example of family relationships, this can manifest as cultivating the partner's complexes or their lack of self-confidence. Those who use this tactic often destroy people's self-esteem, gaining complete control over their emotions. And the paradox is that usually, only the one who killed the self-esteem can restore it, especially if that person is particularly close to the victim. Creating Confusion Communication with manipulators often resembles a game of broken telephone, and the subject of discussion usually involves gossip. They frequently quarrel just for fun, to amuse their ego.
Often their method involves...
Is that they pretend not to have heard or understood what you said, or do they claim that your words could be interpreted differently? They cling to the interpretation that suits them best. They twist your words, using them for their purposes—passive aggression and ignoring. Manipulators prefer to avoid confrontation, but will act aggressively indirectly. For example, a person may avoid talking to you when a problem arises, try to punish you with their silence, and constantly make excuses. Snide remarks and microaggressions fall into the same category. Therefore, when you see someone demonstrating passive-aggressive behavior, know that it is about manipulating you. Playing the victim is a good way to switch roles and also justify one's behavior. They play the victim, shifting the blame onto you to hide their intentions and achieve their desired outcomes.
Have you ever found yourself?
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you know that a person is wrong, but at the end of the day, you feel sorry for them because it’s "much harder for them than for you"? This is a classic example of emotional manipulation. It is said that attack is the best defense. That’s why they might try to avoid blame by shifting it onto you. Gaslighting. When you doubt your sanity, the manipulator gains complete control over your feelings and decisions. Gaslighting is a term used to describe a situation where one person tries to make another doubt their adequacy. For example, when you are told, "I’m just joking" when you know the person is not joking, this is one form of gaslighting. Manipulators often play dumb and try to avoid your questions by simply pretending not to understand what you are talking about.
Your child's manipulation?
If your child has exhibited manipulative behavior, it's not as frightening as it may seem. Usually, it is just a way to meet their needs. If you approach such behavior with curiosity rather than judgment, you can understand it and help your child change. First and foremost, both parents need to be on the same page. Children are not just smart, but also ingenious. They learn early on which parent is easier to negotiate with and who is usually willing to bend the rules. Playing one parent against the other is a classic form of manipulation. It is essential to establish a protocol where you and your partner are united in decision-making. Do not bargain and stop negotiating! Ice cream here, a new soccer ball there—each family has its own rules of negotiation and emotional battles. However, the outcome will always be the same—you will give in, and the child will continue to hold you hostage. You know your children better than anyone else, and they also know your weaknesses. When the child realizes that negotiations lead nowhere, they will have to stop their manipulative behavior, as it isn't working for them. Holding children accountable for their misbehavior will teach them that such actions are unacceptable. Choose a meaningful consequence — if you take away their phone but they can still play on the laptop, it won't work. Clearly outline the consequences of breaking the rule just as precisely as the rule itself. Add an incentive for following the rule, because a one-sided approach based solely on punishment will not yield results. The carrot-and-stick method is an excellent compromise. Discuss this together and come to a mutually acceptable reward.
