We saved the family for the sake of the children, now we are suffering for it.
Is such a decision always beneficial? "Loveless," Maria, a family psychologist, said, unfortunately, not all couples manage to preserve love throughout their lives together; often, spouses divorce and start new relationships. However, suppose there are children in the family. In that case, the decision to separate is frequently postponed for months or years, as parents primarily think about the happiness and well-being of their child. By playing the roles of happy spouses and creating an illusion of harmonious relationships, adults try to shield children from problems and worries, even at the cost of their happiness. But does a child need such a sacrifice? Is he capable of adhering to the adults' rules of the game, and what does he feel while observing the "fake" relationship of his parents? Too high a price. Sometimes spouses no longer feel the previous attachment to each other. They do not have the desire to be together, to share their thoughts and plans, or to convey them to a friend.
Suddenly, they realize that they are living different lives under the same roof. However, a sincere desire to create an atmosphere of happy childhood for the child makes them postpone the difficult decision for some time ("let him go to school," "we'll wait until he gets into college") or for an indefinite period ("we'll leave everything as it is until he grows up"). Often behind the phrase: "We are not divorcing so that the child has a complete family," lie other motives: fear of radically changing an already established and understandable life, fear of loneliness or public opinion, change of social status… However, in both cases, the position of the spouses cannot be called productive for several reasons.
The child bears the burden of unjustified parental expectations.
By postponing personal life for the happiness of the child, you place great hopes on him that he cannot always fulfill. After all, a complete family does not guarantee good behavior, success in studies, or other achievements of the child. Therefore, the parent. Parents, over time, realizing their own missed opportunities for happiness, often begin to reproach the child inwardly: "If it weren't for you, we would have divorced long ago... We have endured each other for so many years because of you..." These thoughts of parents creep into their phrases and attitudes, and children, hearing and feeling such self-sacrifice from their closest ones, unconsciously strive to alleviate their suffering. In an outwardly normal family, a child may grow up with a massive internal debt for the happiness sacrificed for them. Throughout their childhood, they bear the burden of responsibility for their parents' suffering. This creates a destructive and very dangerous mindset for a small individual: "It would be better if I didn't exist."
The child will still feel the falseness.
No matter how hard parents try to create a comfortable atmosphere in the family, if there is, at best, indifference between them, it cannot be concealed. After all, it is tough to play the role of loving and contented spouses day after day. After a while, irritation begins to build up. And the dissatisfaction with each other spills over into quarrels. Children can notice when genuine warm communication between parents disappears, and joint celebrations and walks lose their immediate joy. In such families, children often exhibit neurosis-like symptoms (fears, nightmares, uncontrollable nail-biting, and others), psychosomatic illnesses (for example, skin allergies), communication issues with other children and adults, and problems in learning.
Formation of a dysfunctional family model in the child.
Parents who live together but 'not by choice' impart to their son or daughter the wrong model of cohabitation: that family is about 'enduring and suffering.' Sometimes, upon reaching adulthood, such children cannot leave their parental home because, for many years, they were the glue holding their parents' marriage together. Often, they may not even be inclined to create their own family because 'it's more comfortable and calmer alone.' Another possible scenario— a repetition of the scenario of the parents' family life, and as a result, the formation of several generations disillusioned with marriage. To make the right decision, adults need to understand the roles of spouses and parents. These are two family subsystems, and parenting does not end when marital relations cease. For a child, it is essential to feel the love and support of mom and dad, regardless of how their relationship as spouses develops. Therefore, parents who live whole lives, are satisfied with their situation and have managed to maintain calm, friendly relations with each other—even if this required a divorce—can provide the child not only with love and care but also with a sense of security, confidence, and trust in the world, when there is still a chance to fix everything. But does all this mean that feeling a 'chill' in a relationship means one should immediately file for divorce? Rushing is not advisable. Family relationships require work, sometimes quite complex and time-consuming.
Of course, "work" does not sound very romantic. However, essentially, it is what we invest in - emotionally and materially. Can there be friendship if we do not maintain communication? Interest will fade. Or if we abandon language practice, will we not forget the foreign language? It will go into passive. Or if we deprive our bodies of proper physical activity, will it delight us with flexibility, slimness, and energy? Not. The same goes for personal relationships. They cannot be left to chance. This does not mean that we need to measure the degree of the relationship constantly - "am I doing well now?". But it makes sense to conduct periodic check-ups. Therefore, before taking radical measures, it is worth trying to improve the relationship. One can try to understand the reasons for the loss of interest in each other or the weakening of feelings. In this case, children are not a reason to maintain the relationship, but a push for their development and overcoming crises.
Steps towards Christmas.
The birth of a child, daily routines, increased workloads, and personal crises affect family relationships. Often, spouses make mistakes and take impulsive decisions that hurt their partner. Amidst the hustle and problems, there is not always time to discuss the critical moments in your relationship. How can you help yourself?
a) You need to talk openly. Mutual recognition of the problem is the first step towards its resolution. You may just need a sincere, heartfelt conversation, without haste and without restrictions on expressing feelings. But most often, consultation and help from a family psychologist are necessary to learn how to listen to and understand each other, to articulate your thoughts and desires, and to seek ways to overcome difficulties jointly. Therefore, before deciding on radical measures, it is worth trying to improve the relationship. You can try to understand the reasons for the loss of interest in each other or the weakening of feelings. In this case, children are not the reason to preserve the relationship, but a catalyst for their development and overcoming of crises.
b) Find the opportunity to set aside time for joint leisure activities regularly. It often happens that with the birth of a child, marital relationships (not just sex, but closeness in a broader sense) take a backseat. Mom and Dad focus so much on the baby that they forget that they became spouses before they became parents, and attention to each other, care for a partner, and love for them are just as important as love for the child. Organize weekends and vacations to accommodate both of your preferences for relaxation.
c) Make a list of those aspects that you are not satisfied with in your marriage or your spouse, as well as the feelings they evoke. This is an analytical approach. Exchange these lists with your husband and discuss what can be changed regarding these points to eliminate negative emotions. Then, outline specific steps that can be taken so that you both can gain more joy from your life together.
d) Set a common pleasant goal. Think about what you dreamed of when you started your family, what ideal you were aiming for. Would you like to get closer? Perhaps the thought of having another child or several children can unite you, and the steps towards this goal (examinations, training for future parents, etc.) will serve as the beginning of gentle, trusting, and romantic relationships without guarantees. Sometimes, a shared dream can be the sacrament of marriage.
Then involvement in religion, going through the necessary rituals together, and preparing for this step will help remind you how much you mean to each other. However, it would be a mistake to think that the sacred sacrament will necessarily protect husband and wife from family problems and reignite their feelings if they have lost them. After all, this is not a magical rite. The sacrament of marriage is not just an enchantingly beautiful ceremony, but also a serious responsibility. It is not by chance that during the sacrament, each spouse takes a sip from one cup. This symbolizes that from now on their life is shared, and they are ready to share everything that is destined for them both — any events. Undoubtedly, the most important thing for a child is loving and happy parents. And, of course, it’s good when mom and dad live happily together.
However, if living together doesn't work out and causes both of them distress, it's not worth sacrificing oneself for the sake of the children. The best thing you can do is take all measures and use all opportunities to work through the problems and regain the value of the marital relationship. But if your efforts have not yielded results, for the sake of the child, it is also worth considering personal happiness.
