How to Balance Power in Your Relationship
Each person in a relationship has individual needs for closeness and personal space as well as desires to feel nurtured, understood, and autonomous within a relationship. People define their freedom in very different ways. Some want freedom to be close and comforted; others want the freedom to be autonomous and unfettered.
Separate Ideas of Relationship Boundaries
When one of you doesn't get enough space or enough closeness, you will begin to struggle within your relationship. One of you might feel unappreciated for being caring, while the other feels oppressed and smothered. One of you might be aware of your partner's mood -- often walking on eggshells not to upset them. The other might threaten to leave to get their way. One of you will want more together time while the other wants more space -- and neither of you is satisfied with the compromise. Struggles like this led to resentment, hurt, and arguing. When you struggle with a partner, the flow of love between you two will be blocked -- even when you truly love one another. If you learn how to achieve balance and end the struggle, you'll create the love and partnership you deeply treasure.
Volleying the Conversation, Balancing the Energy
Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. I recommend the "tennis match" approach to help you understand and honor each other's needs for space. The tennis match approach is a flexible process that you can adapt to almost any situation. To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it's new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. You can't play tennis if only one of you is hitting the ball.
Knowing and communicating what you want and what you feel are the basic skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. " Instead, make a move to show the other person you're interested in being close, then wait for your partner to reciprocate. For example, make a phone call to invite them for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let them make the following invitation. This is like making a serve, then waiting for your partner to return it. This is often difficult to do because the natural tendency when you're interested in someone is to be active. But being too assertive in the relationship may push the other person away or may disguise a lack of interest on the other person's part. Don't keep hitting balls over the net if they're not returned.
On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to do it, you aren't playing a perfect tennis game, either. You must do your part because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest and can hinder communication. The tennis metaphor is helpful because if you compare what has gone on in the relationship so far to a tennis game, you will quickly see if you've been either too passive or too aggressive. The tennis match is so central to moving the relationship to new levels that I've developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Demonstrating that you are interested in what your partner is saying and want to hear more is essential.
Whether you're dating online, on the phone, or face to face, you need to keep your conversation going back and forth -- keeping the tennis match going in a balanced way.
Guidelines for Understanding Your Partner
• Take Turns: Leave room for your partner to open topics, gather thoughts, and express opinions. Don't jump right into a silence if it's not your turn.
•Concentrate: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying, don't wander off mentally into what you want to say next.
• Volley (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly to it, letting them know that you heard and understood what was said and, if possible, that you have similar thoughts or experience.
• Don't Bicker: There is a place for spirited discussion in good conversation, but be careful not to get too oppositional. Your objective is to establish understanding.
• Return the Serve: At the end of whatever you say, invite a response by adding, "Don't you think?" or "What do you think?" Or make your response to a question.
• Serve Again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that was said before, and give your partner plenty of time to express their opinion.
Let your partner know if you would like more space or more intimacy and listen to the response. If you work together, you can achieve a good balance.
